Deadly Sins – Updated Version 6.66

Happy Egg-Day!

Easter is a pretty flexible holiday for many.

If you are Christian, it is a day of celebration – for according to the gospel, today is the day that Jesus arose from the dead, after a nasty run in with the Romans, and was able to go about his business of healing and feeding the masses.

I have never read a story with such a happy and completely surreal ending; but then again, I also read this week that officials in Manila were issuing health-warnings to the general public about the hazards of not getting their tetanus shots and using clean nails for their own annual DIY crucifixions.

I believe the Filipino Surgeon General also went on to suggest the use of 30+ sunscreen. After all, if one is going to nail oneself to a couple of pieces of 2 X 4 and hang around for awhile, one can’t be too careful about melanomas and the like. (I can only wonder if there is a specific section in IKEA in Manila for such activities).

Easter Sunday is also the quintessential event on the calender for Chocolaphiles. Chocolate Eggs, Bunnies and Bilbies (for my non-Australian friends – An Easter Bilby is a short, squat little mammal that is currently endangered for many reasons, not the least of which is that people keep dipping them in cacao and eating them)

With the amount of sugar consumed during this period, it is little wonder that Easter marks inordinate sales figures for the retailers of Play Station I – MMCCCXXIIV. What better a time to buy a mind-numbing, intellect-stunting piece of equipment that will keep the little sugar-crazed blighters from shaving the cat and filling the sink with sun-dried tomatoes and Pine-O-Kleen.

Given that I am not a religious person, and I am one of the few people in the street…the town…the globe (according to reliable sources) that has a distinct aversion to all things chocolate, it should come as no surprise that Easter is a little bit of a non-event for me (I keep hoping that an Easter Deli-man will arrive with eggs made of King Island Brie and mild Hungarian salami but this is inevitably met with annual disappointment)

So, normally I approach this public holiday (by the way, cheers for that Herod…) with a fairly relaxed attitude, but still adhering to some of the culinary tenets set out in the Good Book.

I drink plenty of wine and eat lots of disgustingly good fish. I may not go to such extremes as nailing myself to the kitchen cupboard, but I endeavor to at least assume a sedentary position six times a day, before and after meals.

What sets this year apart from the rest of my Easters to date, is that I read yesterday that Pope Benedict XVI has decided to add 7 new “deadly sins” to the list of what will apparently send you over into the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Included in these new list of dogma-related No-Nos are:

*Thou shalt not be a billionaire

* Thou shalt not help create poverty

*Thou shalt not contribute to the widening gap between the rich and the poor

*Thou shalt not use “Bioethical” violations such as birth control

Okay, let’s just dissect a few things here…..

If the Vatican wants to put a stop to excessive wealth, then it should look in it’s own backyard.

I would be more than happy to support such theological threats of eternal damnation if perhaps the Pope and his cardinals would maybe start selling off some of their own odds and sods.

Bit of a “two birds with one stone” that one. They could tear down some of their gilded cathedrals and have a good, old-fashioned cent-auction say, in Darfur. In one hit we get rid of some of the obscenely excessive wealth, and by doing such, make positive steps towards relieving the poverty.

Just a side note too – if gross expenditure of wealth is the new and trendy sin du jour Number 1, the Catholic Church might want to perhaps engage the services of a public defender for any future cases against naughty priests. Any cash leftover could be used in addressing sin du jour Number 3 – Thou shalt not contribute to the widening gap between the rich and the poor.

Which brings me to the new and improved sin-alert regarding the banishing of “Bioethical” violations such as birth control.

Forgive my hell-raising here Benedict, pal, but perhaps if some of those living in the more impoverished countries, such as Bangladesh, had a little more access to “Bioethical violations” ie: birth control, we could probably stem some of the poverty there as well. Reducing gross overpopulation, and thus poor living conditions, could be achieved by introducing a little sex education and a supply of condoms.

Note to the Billionaires: Therein lies your “Get Out Of The Underworld” Free card.

If the Vatican INSISTS on giving us more things to be afraid of and/or ashamed of by way of introducing new sins, can we not, at least swap a few of the new ones for the old ones?

If I have to curtail my working and spending habits, could I at least be able to indulge in  a little Gluttony and Sloth. It’s a slog trying to continually say “No” to that fourth glass of Merlot, and do not even get me started on how I have managed, only in the name of all that is pure and holy, to finally figure out how the vacuum works.

If I MUST pour all of my time and energies into closing the gap between the obscenely rich and the desolate poor- do you think it would be TOO much to ask if the Lord Almighty might look the other way whilst I occasionally lust after a shirtless Matthew McConnaghy?

I will endeavor to observe these new rules and regulations, upon fear of dancing cheek-to-cheek with Beelzebub, but I have got to say, I am not happy Jan!

If I had my way (or looked good in a smock and a tall, silly hat) the new and improved sins would read something like this:

*Thou shalt not watch FOX news

*Thou shalt not wear large and inane yellow sunglasses and go around acting like a purile meat-head.

*Thou shalt not ring people at 10pm…from Delhi…. to ask them if their Internet provider is serving all of their telecommunication needs.

*Thou shalt not invite people over for coffee only to ambush them with AMWAY

*Thou shalt NOT submit his/her (whoops….that would be just “his”) resume for Pope and white-out the bits regarding support for genocide during their time in the Hitler Youth Programme.

So, on that note, I am off to drink some alcohol and watch a DVD with a decent cameo of Orlando Bloom’s buttocks, all the while being very careful not to spill any Pito chip crumbs on the doona.

Those chips are the BEST, and wasting any of them is tantamount to a deadly sin………. if ever I knew one.

About the Author

Kylie is a well travelled free-lance writer who has been published in several magazines in Australia and the United States including “Honestly Woman” and “Third Coast Marketing”.

Come on in..sit down and enjoy…bring your prescription drugs if necessary.

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